Sep 3, 2012

Unfriendable.

Does becoming a mom automatically make you un-friendable?  It seems like when I had my sweet Avery, I gained a daughter, but lost all of my really good friends.  If someone were to ask me right now who my best friend was, I would have trouble coming up with an answer.  Actually, before I go any farther, let me clarify.  My husband is, without a doubt, my best friend.  I know that I can tell him anything and he's always the first person I turn to whenever I have something on my mind or have news to share.  Sometimes though, you just need a girl-best friend.  Someone that understands that you HAD to buy that cute pair of shoes or your need to go into an Anthropologie store even though you can't afford anything in there.  Someone to call when you need to complain about your husband (just kidding Marty! sort of....).  Someone who will meet you for lunch once a month just so you have an excuse to put nice clothes on.  I need that person in my life.  And I don't have them. 
I had my college friends.  People that would hang out on a Wednesday night at the drop of a hat and didn't care if I called at 1 am on a Thursday to just talk or make a Taco Bell run.   As college friends tend to do though, they graduated.  I graduated.  We got jobs.  We moved.  We got married.  And, even though I share some of my fondest memories with those people, I can't remember the last time I talked to them.  Other than the occasional "Facebook hello,"  I can't remember the last real conversation I had with them.  I feel like that's part of life though.  You share the college experience and then you grow up. 
Once upon a time, I would have considered my sister my best friend.  I would tell her everything.  And I think she did the same.  We knew that we shared an unspoken sisterly bond.  Until I had a baby.  A baby that would become her niece.  Suddenly, seeing me was less important, unless I was bringing my kid along.  The bond is still there, but it's more my kid's aunt---her niece's mom kind of bond.  The ability to share secrets and stay on the phone spilling my guts isn't really there anymore.  I guess we're at different points in life now.  I used to love hanging out with my cousins.  We're all close in age and we would spend a lot of time hanging out, giggling and bonding.  Now, I feel like the old maid that's left out of the loop.  Browse any of their tweets on a weekend and you'll see inside jokes and plans for parties and get-togethers.  It just makes me feel.....old.  Outdated.  Friend-less.  I understand that I'm not the same person I was pre-baby.  I can't take off on a Wednesday night to hang out or go watch a movie on a weekend with all of them without making plans for a babysitter and trying to get home in time for the bath-bottle-bedtime routine...but sometimes it's nice to pretend that I'm still that person. 
I have my mommy friends.  The girls whose daughters are around Avery's age and we have the occasional play date.  I love spending time with these girls.  I know that I can show up with baby food in my hair or be late because I had a poop explosion situation on my hands and they just get it.  We can talk about epidurals for hours or the things we're going to do differently on our next babies.  But we haven't gotten past that "mommy friend" point.  We have a great time at the play date, but that's really where the friendships end, with the exception of one or two of the girls.
Right now, I would probably consider my mom my best friend.  We have more things in common than we ever have before and I know that I can talk to her for hours about whatever was on my mind.  She understands my need to have a good cry about Avery's sleep issues and gives me advice on how she would start to wean Avery off her bottles.  But (and if you're reading this mom, PLEASE don't take this the wrong way) there are things you can't talk to your mom about.  Sometimes, you just need a best friend.  I realize that it's not an easy thing to do.  It's not like I can just take an ad out in the paper:  Wanted.  Best friend for a 20-something mommy.  Must understand if lunch dates are cancelled due to teething, but also must be prepared for a 3 am ranting phone call when her daughter is up for the fourth time.  Needs to be a frequent window shopping buddy that supports her shoe habit.  Unpaid position. 
Is it something I've done?  Have I put myself in this mommy zone and made myself unfriendable?  Have I subconsciously distanced myself from everyone I was close to and only have myself to blame?  Or is it just part of life?  Meet the guy, get married, have the baby, lose all friends?  Am I the only one??

13 comments:

Sarah Beth said...

I feel the EXACT same way. I was so bored today and just wanted to go check out some thrift stores and grab lunch and I had no one. I took my 15 year old niece. She didn't know who New Kids On The Block was. I felt old. Then I felt friendless. We need to be better BFF's :)

Devan Gaddie said...

Thank you. I should have known you'd understand...us being the same person and all. :)

Kayla Rae said...

I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to this. I even had close friends with KIDS before I had Bella and then it was like they dropped off the planet when she got here. People really don't get it. I was the same way with my sister too, and she is the same way now, Bella is the first subject out of her mouth. Which is great, I'm glad she cares so much about her, but we just aren't close anymore. It makes me sad. I guess it is true that some people are in your life for only a season, but I think as I grow up it hurts more when I am no longer close to people who I once considered a best friend. Well I didn't mean to totally jack your blog and write my own blog-length comment on it, just wanted you to know I 100% understand! (We should hang out.) :)

Nicole Hines said...

You haven't done anything wrong!! I think all mother's feel like this. I was reading your blog and thinking to myself...Devan is reading my mind! I feel the same way! Right after I had Landen I realized I was all by myself! I was the first out of my friends to have kids and it makes a difference. My friends have finally stopped asking me to go to the movies with them during the week because they know my answer. It wasn't until I started going to Younger's Creek and getting involved that I felt like I was making some friends again. That is why I am so excited about this Bible Study on Tuesday nights! I need a night with some girls to chat with! I still want a "best friend" that you are referring to as well:) We should hang out sometime!! Luke and I were just talking this weekend about seeing if you and Marty would like to come over soon and hang out! We will have to plan something!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog! I relate to you on many of the things you discuss but none more than this!!! It happens. Everyone I know has experienced the same thing. My daughter is adopted. Try finding friends who understand the inability to conceive, the fertility treatments, the adoption process, etc. I feel like no one understands what I've been through, why I am who I am today, how lonely it can be not being able to relate to those epidural stories (and so wishing you could). Even though I wouldn't give my daughter up for the world. But with time, as Avery gets older, you will find multiple best friends who fulfill those needs. My husband is my go to when I've had a bad day, next to my mom (who is my go to baby drama), a very dear cousin for the hubby gripes, and now my 2.5 year old is the greatest friend on earth. Seeing life through her innocent eyes, sharing our love of Disney, cuddling on the bed watching a Disney movie after what I thought was the WORST DAY EVER. Our babies grow very quickly (much to our dismay) and I find that my baby is my BFF and makes it all better. Ask her who her BFF is and she says mommy. I know it won't last long so for now, I don't need anyone else!!!

Amanda Turner said...

I can relate to a point minus the kid part. Sometimes I get really down and lonely because I don't have a kind of constant companionship I did in school. There was always someone who wanted to go out, watch a movie and order pizza, or make a 2 AM taco bell run (not that I'm even up at that time anyone) or I could be completely alone if I chose.


Sarah I spent all day on the couch reading except for when I went to Moms for dinner yesterday - you could have called me :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh. I got tears in my eyes while reading this. It is totally true, and apparently it happens to most everyone. As you get older, and (maybe) have more children, you will go thru a "friend cycle" - you'll be friends with preschool moms for a while, then friends with dance/ballpark/scouts moms for a while; the circle seems to change every few years. Schedules change, families move away, the friends are constantly changing. You are SO lucky to have a wonderful family and an AWESOME mom to spend time with, don't ever take them for granted! Maybe someday you will reconnect with some friends that you went to school with... I'm still waiting for that to happen myself :) I love reading your blog! Hope you have a good week :) Dana Thomas

Devan Gaddie said...

Thanks for the encouraging words...maybe one day I'll have some good friends I can count on and aren't just my "mommy" friends!

Devan Gaddie said...

That's so sweet! I know that I can always go to my family and that my little girl makes it all better, but it would be nice just to have a fellow girlfriend to spill my guts to every once in a while. Thanks for reading my blog...it's nice to know that someone can actually relate to my posts instead of just reading them. :)

Devan Gaddie said...

I agree! More chances to make friends, the better!!

Devan Gaddie said...

Agreed. I always need new friends....and Bella and Avery have to meet!!

Ann @ The Scrapbooking Housewife said...

Awww, I can totally relate as well! I really miss having a best friend. I am still friends with my highschool friends, but we have all moved on with our lives and I haven't been close to many people since. It's hard as I have been a stay at home Mum for the last 8+ years, so I have no work friends either (and no social life to speak of!). And I am a bit of an introvert, so I have to work extra hard to be friendly and make friends.

But the above poster is right, your friend cycles will change as you get older. But even saying that, I always feel that I am the odd one out no matter what group I am with, even my family!! :(

Anonymous said...

From an Aunt's point of view, I'm sure your sister feels the loss of her bff, too. From experience, sometimes I've needed someone to cry to, call my sister, and she can't talk, or even ask how I am before the husband or babies require her attention. I understand this, but it is hard. It is easy to feel like you are no one's top priority. And, obviously, seeing the babies is wonderful. Aunts love nieces and nephews, but I promise you, in a few years when your baby isn't doing new tricks every week, you really will reconnect with your sister. To everything, a season, right?

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