Sep 19, 2013

The Hardest Post I've Ever Written.

You know when you're going through something insanely personal that hurts so bad that you feel like the entire world should stop around you, because that's how you feel? Instead, it keeps going. People's lives don't stop just because you're going through a difficult time.

*sigh* Let me start at the beginning. 

On August 15th, Marty and I found out that we were expecting. This was a total and complete surprise. Marty and I weren't exactly trying for a baby, but we'd been blessed with a pregnancy anyway. I was excited.  My sister and I are three years apart and I honestly feel like its the magic number. We get along so well as adults. My kids were going to be about 3 years 2 years and 9 months. Perfect. 

Everything was pretty routine. I was feeling pretty good--fatigue, sensitivity to smells and some shortness of breath, but nothing I couldn't handle after the extreme all-day sickness I experienced with Avery. I gained weight. I couldn't get into my normal pants around 4 weeks along without having to use a rubber band to keep them closed. I went for my first prenatal appointment. My doctor told me that I was too early for him to tell anything. No due date, no "you're X weeks along."  So he ordered an ultrasound to determine gestational age and pin down a due date. 

At our first ultrasound, we got the shock of our lives. Two "spots" on the ultrasound that they thought may be two yoke sacs. Basically, the possibility that I was carrying twins. But I was still too early for them to be sure of anything. Another ultrasound and blood test were ordered for the following week. 

Then we had our second ultrasound.  Yet another shock.  No baby. Forget twins. No baby at all. I have a blighted ovum. Which basically means that I got pregnant, but no fetus ever developed. I was told to go home and wait to miscarry. Do doctors realize how cold that sounds when they say it? "I know you've been thinking about this baby non-stop for weeks now, but that stops today. Go home and wait for your body to reject it."  So I wait. And try to deal with my emotions. I went from finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, to thinking I was having twins, to finding out there's no baby at all. I'm a great big ball of emotions. I want to cry constantly. I ache for a baby that never was. How is it that I hurt for a baby that I knew about for a month? I'm scared. I worry about what kind of impact this may have on my ability to have future children. I'm empty. As a mother, you bond with your unborn baby the moment you find out you're pregnant. You imagine what they'll look like. You start looking at names. You wonder if they'll get along with your current child. And all at once, all that is gone. I went from thinking about where I need to buy maternity clothes for winter to....nothing. Like my life is supposed to go back to normal from here. Like I'm supposed to start right back where I was on August 14th, before I took the pregnancy test. And I think it'll take me a long time until I can get to that point. 

In the midst of it all, I know that this is God's plan. For whatever reason, it wasn't meant for us to bring a baby into our lives right now. It doesn't make it easier to accept, but I know that God's plan for my future are greater than anything I could have planned. And so I wait on Him and trust that maybe someday, He'll bless us with another baby. For now, I'll grieve my baby that never was and try to take things one day at a time. 

"If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, put me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever." --A.A. Milne


Chrissy said...

You are in my prayers Devan.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry. This same thing happened to my sister and I know it was very difficult for her. Sending prayers for you!

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