Crate to Table: October's Do Overs

I started my "October's Do-Overs" project very easily.  Instead of having a piece that needed sanding or painting, I literally just picked the piece up out of my garage and brought it inside.

This is an old crate that I spotted at my parent's house when they were cleaning out their basement.  They had three and I convinced my mom to let me have one of them.  This thing is HUGE.  I wasn't 100% sure where it was going to go at first.  It wasn't until I was sitting in my living room that I decided where it belonged:  as a side table.

First, I swept it off really, really well in my garage.  After living in my parent's basement and my garage for quite some time, it had acquired quite a bit of dust (and a few spider friends).  After sweeping, I brought it inside and vacuumed it off as an extra precaution.  When I cleaned it off, I found this tag on the side, which I thought was really neat.  It looks like it was once used at a railroad.

The table that was in our living room before was a very, very cheap piece of furniture that Marty and I found somewhere when we first got married  (isn't that how everyone's houses look as newlyweds??).   I'm all about inexpensive home decor pieces.  But there's a big difference in being inexpensive and looking cheap.  This table was the latter. 

I promptly scooted that table out of the way and slid this one in.  It's the right height and I think it just "fits" our room.  It's got the repurposed, vintage-y look that I'm obsessed with right now.


Plus, it's a crate.  So there was a huge opening on the side where I knew I could store something.  I'm a ridiculously cold-natured person and we have thick fleece blankets scattered around the house everywhere.  Literally....they're on the back of the couch or folded up in a chair or sitting in the floor.  I knew this little cubby hole would be the perfect central location for all our blankets.

I couldn't love it more.

I promise the next "October Do-Over" will be more dramatic, complete with paint and before and afters!

October's Do-Overs!

Well, there's nothing better to keep your mind off a current situation than a good old-fashioned distraction.  Mine's going to come in the form of a new project!  Actually, a new series for the month of October.  Introducing.....

October's Do-overs!  I don't do Halloween.  And even though I adore Fall, I don't decorate my house for it.  Instead, I'm going to spend the month of October redo-ing furniture pieces I've picked up.

Do you guys remember my yard sale finds that I was going to breathe new life into?  Well, it hasn't happened yet.  Instead, they're sitting in my garage, sad and alone and covered in dirt.  I loved these pieces when I bought them, so why not love them even more after some TLC so I can FINALLY get them in my house?  Reminder on all the pieces I'm going to redo.

1.  A red corner table.  I have zero ideas for this one.
2.  A side table with little cubbies.  I may have a idea for this.
3.  A piece of cardboard-y type material.  I have an idea for this redo.
4.  An octagon shaped table.  Not really sure where this one's gonna go yet....maybe just getting a redo and then getting resold.
5.  A desk.  This is the project that I want to complete SOON because I NEED this desk in my house.

These pieces are junking up my garage.  When we bought our house, I'd never had a garage before.  I had dreams (and Pinterest pins) of a ridiculously organized garage.  HA!  Thanks to all this furniture, I barely have enough room to walk from my car to the door in my house.  It's all gotta go!

So, I'm going to be redoing a piece of furniture each week (maybe two, depending on how easy/hard the project of that week is). 

I'm going to spend less than $30 apiece on each project.  Penny pinching, begin!

Can't wait to get my hands dirty and start re-doing!

I'm Here. I'm Okay.

People keep asking how I am.

I'm okay.  Just okay.  I'm just trying to take things one day at a time.

I can be perfectly fine.  Laughing, talking, not really even thinking about it.  And the smallest thing will hit me.  Then bring on the waterworks.  This weekend, of course, was rough.  I cried when I could button my regular pants all the way.  I cried when I asked Marty to take the car seat that we'd recently gotten back from my parents, along with some maternity clothes I'd pulled out, back downstairs to the basement so I wouldn't have to look at them.  I cried when four of my FB friends announced that they're pregnant this week (note:  if you're pregnant or just announced you're pregnant, please don't get offended.  I'm genuinely happy for you.  It's just hard for me to process right now.).  I cried when I looked in the fridge and saw a package of Lunchables, because I realized that I can eat deli meat again.

I never know when, or even if it's going to hit.  I can see a baby out in public and be perfectly fine.  Or I can see a Pampers commercial on TV and immediately start bawling.

Out of everything though, the hardest thing is still being pregnant.  Yes, I'm still pregnant.  With a fertilized egg and no baby, but pregnant nonetheless.  Pregnant, sporting a baby belly and having all the wonderful pregnancy symptoms like fatigue and nausea.  Pregnant...and just waiting to miscarry.  When I left my doctor's office last week, I got the impression that it would be happening within a few days.  After I got home, I started researching natural miscarriages.  I wanted to know if other women recommended any steps or things to know if this was going to be happening at home.  And that's where I learned that it could take WEEKS.  Can you imagine being pregnant and walking around for weeks knowing that there's no baby in there and not knowing exactly when it's going to happen?  It's like being told at the doctor's office that you're going to have a heart attack (note:  I realize that having a heart attack and a miscarriage are two totally different things.  It's just the best comparison I could think of).  They know it's coming soon, but they can't be sure if it'll happen in a few days or a few weeks.  So you walk around on eggshells.  Should you go into town?  What if it happens while you're there?  Should you stay at home all the time?  What if you go stir-crazy just sitting around at home just waiting for it to happen?  Should you be alone?  What if you're alone and it happens and something goes wrong? Maybe I'm being too anal and over-thinking it, but I'm scared to death.  The unknown right now is almost worse than the fact that I'm pregnant with no baby.  That, I've accepted for the moment.  Normally, I don't like to be a "woe-is-me" kind of person.  The purpose of this post isn't for you to feel sorry for me.  But for today, I'm going to admit that I'm scared and I need help.  I don't deal with the unknown very well.  I'm a planner and I like to know when and how things are going to happen, so this is very hard for me to get a grasp on.  Can you, for just a quick second, pray for me?  Pray that I'll chill out (no, seriously).  That I'll have the grace to deal with everything that happens when the time comes, whenever that may be.  Pray that I stop trying to control things and start relying on God's timeline.  I'm struggling.  And I'll be the first to admit it.

This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  So many emotions and facts and unpleasant things to have to be dealt with.  The most heartbreaking thing though, is knowing how many of you have been through the exact same thing.  I can't tell you the amount of comments and messages I got that said something along the lines of "I know exactly how you feel."  or "I had a miscarriage too."  So many of my friends, that I thought were leading normal lives, are carrying around a personal pain every single day and living with it.  Almost all of them told me that the pain never goes away.  That they still think of their baby on their miscarriage or their projected due date.  That they carry the pain with them, they just learn how to deal with it.  It breaks my heart.  So, reader.  While you're praying that God grants me grace and patience, say a prayer for all these women.  The ones that carry the pain of miscarrying or losing a child and still manage to go through their daily lives.  Say a prayer that they find peace and understanding, if they haven't already.

Throughout everything, I've been blessed with a wonderful husband who has been right by my side through this entire thing--wiping my tears, asking if I need anything, bringing me medicine, sleeping on the couch so he doesn't disturb me.  If I didn't have Marty by my side right now, I don't know where I'd be.  Probably curled up in a ball in my bed, calling into work everyday.

And then there's Avery.  If I didn't have Avery, I wouldn't have a purpose to actually get dressed every day. I really would be crying nonstop, while my laundry and dishes and trash spiraled out of control (I think the laundry is getting close to being at that point anyway).  Avery is the sole reason I get out of bed every morning.  She's the sole reason I come home and attempt to get a few things accomplished, rather than going straight back to bed and eating my weight in McDonald's pumpkin pies.

So, to answer you.  I'm okay.  I'm here.  But that's as good as it's going to get for a little while.

"Be strong, because things will get better.  It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever." 

The Hardest Post I've Ever Written.

You know when you're going through something insanely personal that hurts so bad that you feel like the entire world should stop around you, because that's how you feel? Instead, it keeps going. People's lives don't stop just because you're going through a difficult time.

*sigh* Let me start at the beginning. 

On August 15th, Marty and I found out that we were expecting. This was a total and complete surprise. Marty and I weren't exactly trying for a baby, but we'd been blessed with a pregnancy anyway. I was excited.  My sister and I are three years apart and I honestly feel like its the magic number. We get along so well as adults. My kids were going to be about 3 years apart...like 2 years and 9 months. Perfect. 

Everything was pretty routine. I was feeling pretty good--fatigue, sensitivity to smells and some shortness of breath, but nothing I couldn't handle after the extreme all-day sickness I experienced with Avery. I gained weight. I couldn't get into my normal pants around 4 weeks along without having to use a rubber band to keep them closed. I went for my first prenatal appointment. My doctor told me that I was too early for him to tell anything. No due date, no "you're X weeks along."  So he ordered an ultrasound to determine gestational age and pin down a due date. 

At our first ultrasound, we got the shock of our lives. Two "spots" on the ultrasound that they thought may be two yoke sacs. Basically, the possibility that I was carrying twins. But I was still too early for them to be sure of anything. Another ultrasound and blood test were ordered for the following week. 

Then we had our second ultrasound.  Yet another shock.  No baby. Forget twins. No baby at all. I have a blighted ovum. Which basically means that I got pregnant, but no fetus ever developed. I was told to go home and wait to miscarry. Do doctors realize how cold that sounds when they say it? "I know you've been thinking about this baby non-stop for weeks now, but that stops today. Go home and wait for your body to reject it."  So I wait. And try to deal with my emotions. I went from finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, to thinking I was having twins, to finding out there's no baby at all. I'm a great big ball of emotions. I want to cry constantly. I ache for a baby that never was. How is it that I hurt for a baby that I knew about for a month? I'm scared. I worry about what kind of impact this may have on my ability to have future children. I'm empty. As a mother, you bond with your unborn baby the moment you find out you're pregnant. You imagine what they'll look like. You start looking at names. You wonder if they'll get along with your current child. And all at once, all that is gone. I went from thinking about where I need to buy maternity clothes for winter to....nothing. Like my life is supposed to go back to normal from here. Like I'm supposed to start right back where I was on August 14th, before I took the pregnancy test. And I think it'll take me a long time until I can get to that point. 

In the midst of it all, I know that this is God's plan. For whatever reason, it wasn't meant for us to bring a baby into our lives right now. It doesn't make it easier to accept, but I know that God's plan for my future are greater than anything I could have planned. And so I wait on Him and trust that maybe someday, He'll bless us with another baby. For now, I'll grieve my baby that never was and try to take things one day at a time. 

"If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, put me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever." --A.A. Milne

Preach It.

This is going to be less of a blog post and more of a "go read this other blog post right now because it's fantastic."

Go read this.  "Dear parents, you need to control your kids.  Sincerely, non-parents."

I cannot say anything better than what he said here.  Sadly, I think I used to be one of those people.  Who rolled her eyes and thought "Why can't that lady get her kid under control?" or "I don't see why she doesn't just step outside until her kid stops screaming." Boy have the tables turned.  I've been that lady in the grocery with her kid that is just FREAKING OUT because I didn't let her get the giant box of fruit chews.  And he's totally right.  As idealistic as it sounds for everyone else around you, you can't leave your entire cart full of groceries that your family needs for the next two weeks just sitting in the aisle so you can get your toddler under control.

He didn't mention it in his blog, but I'll mention it here.  It's not just non-parents either.  Admit it.  You've been in the grocery with your own child and witnessed another mom with a toddler mid-epic meltdown.  You've felt sorry for her, but you've also silently judged "Thank goodness my kid doesn't act THAT bad."  
Parents, non-parents, let's knock it off.  The mom in the grocery or in church or in the waiting room is trying her best.  She doesn't want her kid to be screaming any more than you do.  Cut her some slack.