Confession.

I am afraid to get excited about this baby.

Given our past history and our miscarriage, I am terrified to plan anything long-term related to this pregnancy.

We've picked out names and that's as far as baby planning has gone.

I'm dying to look at nurseries and get some ideas and start making a mood board for the vision I have for Baby Gaddie's room, boy or girl.  Every time I start to look, there's a little voice in the back of my head that says "Should you be thinking this far in advance?"

At this point in my pregnancy with Avery, I had already bought a few things.  Cute blankets, some bibs, gender neutral things.  I've found several things that could pass for either a baby boy or a girl this time, but something always holds me back from actually buying it.

We've been talking to Avery about this baby.  Her potential baby brother or sister.  And every time we do, I think "Should we be talking this much about the baby with her? What if something happens?"

And there it is.  I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and what if.  What if the same thing happens?  What if we lose this baby?  What if, since it's been over a month since our last appointment and I haven't been able to see the baby or hear the heartbeat, something has happened?  What if I get attached, only to be heartbroken?

I even find myself feeling guilty when I say or write things like "we'll be having a baby this summer." Or "I'm due in June."  I almost always feel like I need to follow that statement up with something like "we'll be having a baby this summer, God willing."  I can't say this time without a doubt that we WILL be having a baby this summer.  What if, what if, what if.  

I know this isn't a healthy way of thinking.  I know that no matter what happens, I will be forever tied to this baby and will love it just like I love Avery and I loved my last pregnancy, however brief it was.  I know that if the worst happens, I will be heartbroken--whether I convinced myself that I was attached to the baby or not.

I don't know if this is normal.  I would like to think that it is.  Given how terrible I've been feeling with all the pregnancy symptoms, I want to still be in that euphoria-induced haze I was in when I first found out we were expecting.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm still beyond thrilled about this baby.  He or she is very much loved and was prayed for unwaveringly, unceasingly during many a tear-filled nighttime conversation between God and I.  I'm so thankful that He has given us this chance to give Avery a sibling.  But with the excitement is the ever-present fear.  I would love to replace it with hope.  I just don't know that my brain is letting me get to that point yet.  Right now, it's a daily struggle not to give in to the fear.  I'm sad that I don't feel more celebratory and excited.

I've actually joined an online forum full of moms either trying for or expecting their rainbow babies.  Although I haven't interacted with any of them yet, I hope they get it too. I hope they understand how I feel.  Articles like this one are helpful too.  It makes me feel a little more normal in my fear.

Until baby gets here, I'm doing my best to stay excited.  Talking to Avery is the best remedy for that.  She's such a good big sister already.  I can only hope that she'll get to put those good sibling tendencies to use.  Until then, I'm going to continue to look at things like these and these and just pray we get to bring our rainbow baby home in them soon.