Nighttime sucks.

I fear nighttime.

No, I'm not afraid of the dark or of a nighttime break-in......I fear nighttime because my child DOES. NOT. SLEEP. 

From the very moment we brought her home, Avery has been keeping us awake at night. While every other mom bragged about her 12 week old sleeping 11 hours through the night, my 12 MONTH old still couldn't figure out how awesome it was to sleep through the entire night. 

For a very brief period, from 18 to 24 months, Avery slept all night, every night. Dear Lord, it was Heaven. Like cute puppies, world peace, rainbows, unicorns and ice cream with sprinkles all rolled into one. I thought we had it figured out and we were past this phase of complete sleeplessness. I was wrong. 

At 24 months, Avery decided that was enough sleep. And has been keeping me up ever since. To say I'm exhausted would be a gross understatement. 

Up until this point, as silly as it sounds, her night waking was tolerable. She was getting up one to two times a night--once to pee and once to just whine. I'd go in to her room, sing her a song and she'd go right back to sleep. It wasn't ideal, but it was manageable. 

Lately though? It's been HELL.  She's been getting up anywhere from 2 to 6 times every single night. I'm furious.  I'm exhausted.  I'm annoyed.  I'm desperate.  I posted the other day about Avery's sleep issues and got several suggestions about sleep techniques to try. Did I mention I'm desperate? 

The original idea that was given to us was a reward system. Let Avery buy a brand new toy, talk it up, then put it in her room--visible but out of reach. Basically, if she sleeps all night, she earns a star. If she gets five stars, then she gets to play with the toy for five minutes. 

We took the bones of this idea and modified it a little. I made a chart with the days of the week for the rest of the month. 

If she sleeps through the night and doesn't wake up crying for me, she gets a sticker. If she fills up with board with stickers, she gets a new toy.  

Night one:  HORRIBLE.  Seriously, just horrible. When we introduced the board and the stickers last night and started talking about sleeping all night, Avery responded by being very whiny about it. But we still talked it up and told her that she needed to sleep all night and not wake mommy up. She obviously didn't care. She was up three or four times last night...I honestly lost count. By the third (or 4th?) time, I was on the verge of running down the hallway, screaming like a banshee, yelling at her to go to sleep until I lost my voice. I'm not proud of those feelings. Thankfully, I didn't scream (although it took every fiber of my being not to). I was very forceful and told her to go to sleep and not get up again. I honestly think she doesn't give a crap whatsoever.  She cried nonstop. I tried ignoring her, but that made her scream even more.

I'm not dumb. This is going to take awhile for her to get it (and Dear God in Heaven, I hope she eventually gets it). Just because last night failed miserably in a burning ball of flames, that doesn't mean that this plan is a failure. I'm going to keep trying. And I'll probably be turning off the monitor tonight just so I can get some sleep. I'm at my absolute wits end. I couldn't even look at my child this morning without feeling anger and wanting to cry. The fact that she's well over two and still doesn't get this makes me feel like a total failure. Like somewhere along the way, I did something horribly wrong and that's why she doesn't sleep ever.  I just need a magic wand that fixes this. I would honestly take three more years of the terrible two tantrums if I could exchange it for Avery sleeping through the night from this point on. 

Ughhhhh. I'll keep y'all updated. Pray night two is better. For real. Because I'm about to lose it. 

Pray for me. Seriously.

Fellow moms reading this blog, please keep me and Avery in your thoughts and prayers tonight. If you're a faithful reader of this blog, you know Avery's sleep issues. She is 13 1/2 months old and doesn't sleep through the night yet. In her 410 days on this earth, she's maybe slept through the night 30 times or less. In the past, I have tried different sleep techniques to try to help Avery sleep through the night. I tried the tactics in the "No Cry Sleep Solution" for weeks. Avery wasn't having any of it. We've tried weaning her off nighttime bottles (successful), tried sleep machines, strict bedtime routines. You name it, we've tried it. We even tried crying it out. When Avery was probably 4 months old, I suffered through the crying it out drama. It worked. Until Avery got an ear infection and all my hard work went out the window. Since then, I haven't had the heart to make her cry it out again. I hated every single second of those 3 nights when she was little.  So I had pretty much accepted that Avery would be up every night until her toddler years and I would just have to suck it up.  Lately, Avery has been getting up during the night, just for the sake of being up and wanting to whine just so I'll come into her bedroom. As soon as I give her a pacifier and lay her down, she goes right to sleep. At first, she would wake up around 5 am every morning. That, I could handle. That is almost a full night's sleep before I have to get up and tend to her. But slowly, Avery is waking up earlier and earlier every night. Last night, she was up at 1, 2:30 and 5. And I've had a sickness for a month and a half that I can't get over because I'm not getting any sleep at all. So, basically, last night was the last straw. Tonight, I'm letting her cry it out. Im not looking forward to this at all. I love my husband dearly and he helps me with every single thing I've ever asked in regards to Avery--dirty diapers, snot wiping, spit up, everything--but I'm on my own with this one. God love him, Marty just can't listen to her cry (not that it's my favorite thing in the world either ).  This means I'm committing to multiple sleepless nights. Isn't that better than multiple sleepless years?  And I'm not willing to do that. So, fellow moms and faithful readers, pray for me. This is not something I'm looking forward to.  At. All. Keep us in your thoughts and pray Avery is receptive to this sleep training and that I'm not up for weeks letting my kid cry it out. *deep breath*

Mommy Knows Best

I haven't made it any secret that Avery doesn't sleep.  And, at 12 months old, this hasn't changed.  We've tried it all...to the point of not trying anything anymore.  Whatever happens, happens--whether that means getting up once during the night at 5:30 or if that means waking up at 2, 3:30, 4:15 and 6.  It's random in our house.  We've tried keeping bedtime routines strict, then no routine, cereal and bath before bed, bottle to fall asleep, sound machine, sleep training....you name it, we've tried it.  Our kid just isn't responding.  I was pretty much okay with it.  I accepted that she'll do whatever she needs to do and prayed to God every night that she'll eventually grow out it.  But recently, Avery has been visited by the teething fairy (boy, I'd love to punch that woman) and has made sleep pretty much non-existent in my home.  Instead of waking up at 3 and whining for a little while, Avery would wake and a full-on, scream-her-head-off crying jag would begin.  No pacifier would quiet her, no bottle would soothe.  She didn't want to be in her bed, held, rocked, laid on the couch with daddy, NOTHING.  We basically gave her Advil and fought her until she finally passed out again.  Completely, utterly, physically and mentally draining.  I've been in a fog....it's hard to get up in the morning, it's hard to find motivation to do anything throughout the day, it's hard to stay awake on the drive to and from work.  This stage is so exhausting.  Then, on Saturday night, we went to my cousin's wedding and stayed the night in a hotel.  Avery was worn out by the time the wedding was over, so my mom and sister took her back to the hotel room so she could turn in for the night.  When Marty and I got in, we left her in my parent's room and I worried all night long what kind of sleep they were getting.  Was Avery screaming her head off and they were cursing me for a terrible night?  When morning came, I went to their room....and putting on my most sympathetic and "I-totally-understand-because-I'm-living-it-everyday" face, I asked "How did she sleep??"  All night, y'all.  She tossed and turned around 5:30, but never woke up and slept until 8:30.  WHAT.THE.HELL.  What does my kid have against her daddy and I that she is hell-bent and determined not to sleep for us??  Better yet, determined that WE don't get any sleep either.  Frustrated is only the beginning of what I was feeling.  Yesterday, when I got home, there was a card addressed to Marty and I in the mailbox.  I opened it:

And I know it's going to be okay.  Because sometimes you just need your mommy to tell you so.

Rantings. And LOTS of them.

{Warning. I am going to be complaining. I don't need judgement. I just need to vent. This is more for me than for anyone else to actually read, so it's probably going to be a jumbled mess of angry rantings. You've been warned.}

I have a zombie baby. One who has decided that sleep, unfortunately, just isn't for her, no matter what kind of sleep training techniques or bedtime routines her mommy and daddy try. And we're not just talking not sleeping at nighttime. That, I could almost handle. We're talking not sleeping...EVER. She's a notorious catnapper. Ten to twenty minutes later, she's awake. You rock her to sleep when you see that rare window of opportunity when she begins to rub her eyes and show signs of sleepiness. But don't even dare try to lay her down. She has a magic sensor that alerts her body when someone is no longer holding her and those sweet little brown eyes fly right open. No matter how tired she is or how little sleep she got the night before. She WILL NOT sleep unassisted. She has to have help going to sleep and staying asleep. The going to sleep thing, I can handle. I love rocking her and singing her a variety of bedtime lullabies and watching as she can't fight anymore and sleep overcomes her. Those moments, I cherish. It's the moments when she cries the second I lay her in her crib or on a mat in the floor are the ones that are about to drive me bananas. For the most part, I had come to terms with the fact that Avery never sleeps. Until this morning. The last three nights, Avery has been up almost every single hour and laid in her bed and whined. Not really cried, which lets me know that she isn't in pain or needing to be comforted, just whined. Like "Someone please come get me because I sound so pathetic and I know you can't stand it" whined. And for the past two nights, I've ignored her. (when I say ignored, I mean laid by the monitor and listened to every noise she made, but didn't go to her). Last night, however, was a different story. After several hours of waking, whining and falling back asleep, Avery thought that 4:30 am was an appropriate time to wake up and start really crying. Just enough to get my attention to make me think that she didn't feel good or needed to be attended to. So I got up, went in her room and got her out of her bed, thinking that I could rock her back to sleep. Fifteen minutes later, I still had a wide-eyed baby that had no intention of going back to sleep in her crib. So I made the mistake that I'm sure a lot of sleep-deprived mommies make....I put her in our bed. I swore, from the moment I found out that we were expecting, that our babies would not sleep in our bed. I didn't want to find ourselves, five years down the road, with a toddler still sleeping in between. But sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning when you would do almost anything to get a few hours of sleep, you're not thinking 100% clearly. I laid her down, thinking the warmth of our bed and her laying in between us would immediately put her back to sleep. Wrong. She laid in our bed....and played. She reached for my pajama top, my nose, my hair, the blanket--anything she could get her hands on and play with. She rolled from Marty's side to mine. She flipped over, she sighed, she popped her pacifier in and out of her mouth. Basically, she did everything BUT sleep. Soon, I found myself facing 6 am and time to shower and start the day....all without a single wink of sleep since 4:30. I gave her a bottle and placed her beside Marty, thinking that she'd keep him awake and demand early morning playtime or episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. So I showered and fought to stay awake. I applied my makeup and fixed my hair. All was well until my dryer bumped the display board where I have all of my earrings and down went all of my earrings in the sink. As I picked up the pairs of earrings, I found only one lone earring belonging to my favorite pair....meaning the other probably went right down the drain. And I lost it. I stood in my bathroom and cried. Over a $5 pair of fake pearl studs. I knew it was less about the earrings (which could be easily replaced with a trip to Claire's or another equally cheap jewelry place) and more about the fact that my baby's sleep issues make me feel like a complete and utter failure. What have I done, or haven't done, to get her to this current pattern of sleeplessness that she's in?? Did I baby her too much as a newborn? Did I hold her too much? Show her too much attention? Rock her to sleep too long when she should have been laid in her crib as soon as her bedtime routine was over? Which, in turn, made me angry. Why should it always be my fault? Why should it be something that I did, or didn't do, to cause something as huge as these ridiculous sleep issues? I shook off these feelings, finished drying my hair and walked out of the bathroom to get dressed...only to find my 7 month old curled up to her daddy....sound asleep. Which started another fit of crying. Why me? Why will she go to sleep just fine for Marty, but seems dead-set against getting a good night's sleep for my sake? It wasn't always like this. When Avery was about 10 weeks old, she was sleeping at least 8 hours through the night. I was incredibly thankful. Each night that I would lay down and wake 6 hours later without a peep was a restful and wonderful night. Then, Avery caught a cold. Stuffy noses and a whiny baby became our nightly routine and I thought we'd never get back to that blissful state of restfulness we were in before. Until Marty and I started Avery on a pretty strict bedtime routine. At 7 pm, on the dot, we were beginning her routine which started with a bottle and cereal and ended with a bath and lotion-y massage. For awhile, that worked. She would sleep from 8-5 consistently for about 2 weeks. Then she got an ear infection and broncholitis and spent an entire week in our bed propped up on pillows so I could make sure she was still breathing through the night. Which brings us to our current state. The routine is still the same...filling that little tummy and then a bath and lotion before bed, but the results have been far different than they were before. But no one else in the house seems to be affected by this sleeplessness, other than me. Avery is a happy baby...seemingly unaware as to how awesome sleep is and the fact that most babies her age should be getting 10-18 hours of sleep a day. We're lucky if we get 18 hours in two. Marty, while extremely helpful whenever I ask him to get out of bed and tend to her, has the remarkable ability to sleep through anything and usually doesn't hear her crying at night. There have been a few times that he'll stir when she's really wailing, but he can always roll over and go right back to sleep. And I'm envious...and a little bit angry...and a lot bit resentful. Anger is now my #1 emotion...if I'm being completely honest with myself. In fact, more than once during this frustrating morning, I had to refrain from punching my snoring husband. And why? I'm exhausted and want sleep more than anything...why on earth would I begrudge anyone of getting their own 6-8 hours of sleep a night? But when I'm in the middle of being sleep-deprived, I don't think of things like that. I think of how jealous I am that he gets to sleep and how I want to be the one that's drooling on my pillow. I've become this irrationally angry person that I don't even like being around. I get mad over clothes left in the laundry room or a dish left on the table. Things that absolutely don't matter in the long run. But rational thinking and an even-temper have completely left me. And I have no idea how to get them back. I resolve to be a nicer person and to control my emotions when it's no one's fault that I'm so tired, but I can't. I go right back to being the snappy, hormonal, momasarus I was before. Not to mention the fact that I have become a blithering idiot. I can't think of words that I'm wanting to say, I lose my train of thought at the drop of a hat and if it's not written down or I'm not reminded 5 times or more, I will forget things. My co-worker probably thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world. I feel like I'm on this vicious merry-go-round: Avery doesn't sleep=I don't sleep=I blame myself=I feel like a failure=I get angry=Avery still doesn't sleep...the cycle continues. I want it to stop. I want my baby to sleep. Forget all of my issues for a second...how is she functioning?? If a baby is supposed to be getting 10-18 hours and she's getting maybe 7 the entire day, how is that good for her? If she doesn't take naps, is she a burden to anyone that watches her? I know I'm barely able to get things done on the weekends because she refuses to be left alone and she doesn't nap...do other people resent the fact that they have to stay right by her side the entire time they're babysitting her? In fact, this very issue lost us a regular weekly babysitter. One who had children of her own that needed her attention, which is how is should be, and my whiny baby was beginning to interfere with that. Which makes me feel like a terrible mom. No one likes to hear that their baby cried all day and didn't let the babysitter get anything done. I don't want to be THAT mom. I just don't know what else to do. We've tried crying it out. It worked for a little while, but now she's up all the time just crying. What do I do? Go to her every hour that she's crying and rock her back to sleep? But then doesn't that teach her that she needs me to comfort her before she enters any state of sleep? Do I let her cry every single time through the entire night? But doesn't that teach her that nighttime isn't an enjoyable time because she knows she'll lay in her crib and cry? Why isn't there a clear answer? I can handle all the ifs of mommyhood...if she'll be succesful, if she'll hit her milestones on time, if she'll be healthy and happy...but this is one issue that I just want the magic answer. Don't get me wrong, if there's a good reason to lose sleep, my Avery girl would be the best one. But I would like the magic formula to get my baby to sleep through the night and get my home to return to some type of order and the old, pleasant Devan back. I guess until then, I just have to keep repeating that "this too shall pass...."

Worrywart.

Out of all my character flaws (and I have many--impatience, temper, pouting when things don't go my way), my worrying is the worst. I have the innate ability to worry about anything and everything. I'll take anything, which can start as something very small, and worry about it until it becomes a very large and overwhelming situation. I can't help it. I worry about Avery CONSTANTLY--is she happy? Is she being fed okay? What if she's allergic to every fruit I give her for the rest of her life (the current list is bananas and pears)? Is this current I-need-you-all-the-time, whiny stage of her life caused by something I did...or didn't...do? Will she ever get back on a sleep schedule again?? I worry about myself--am I a good enough mom? Will I ever learn how to balance Avery and a home? Will I find time to paint again? Am I destined to be a zombie mom? I worry about my husband and my family--about their health, happiness and relationship with me. I worry about my relationship with God--is it strong enough? Do I pray enough? What is God going to say to me when He gets the chance? I even worry about worrying too much! I've always been this way. When invited to high school parties or to friend's houses whose parents were gone for the night, I declined their invitations because I worried that my dad would know the next door neighbors and they'd see my car at the party. Sometimes I wonder if I've been this way since birth. But it's Lent. And if I could truly give anything up, it wouldn't be Dr. Peppers for 40 days or facebook. It would be worrying. Since I know that isn't a realistic, I am going to make it my Lenten goal to worry LESS. For 40 days (and hopefully longer), I will worry less and enjoy more. I will give my problems over to God instead of thinking that I'm big enough to handle everything on my own. It shows my own lack of faith in believing that my worrying will solve anything instead of handing the problem immediately over to God and relying on Him to help me through. I will print off these quotes and place them where I can read them and remind myself daily that I need not worry. And hopefully by the end of this Lenten season, I'll be a worry-free(ish) and happier me. :)

It's my baby and I'll cry if I want to.

If you follow me on facebook, you might have seen my status from a few days ago: "Devan Gaddie attemped to let Avery cry it out last night. It will NEVER happen again. I may be a wuss, but I couldn't listen to my baby crying for more than 10 minutes before I was crying myself. Guess I just have to accept my fate as a mommy of a 5 month old that gets up multiple times a night!"

I guess I can call myself a liar. I did it again. After many hours of research and talking to other mommies (including my own), I embarked on night 2 of "Letting Avery Cry it Out" a.k.a. "Trying to Distract Myself with the iPad While Sitting in Avery's Floor Listening to Her Cry it Out." Horrible. For the first two nights, Avery cried for an hour and a half....I cried for an hour. I tried everything to distract myself: playing on Pinterest (I DID find some great organizational ideas), listening to music, writing letters (I re-read them the next morning and tossed them when they were filled with sleep-deprived gibberish). I would sit in the floor, wondering why I was doing this to my child and scolding myself for being a horrible parent. And then she would stop. And we would both get a couple of hours of sleep. The next morning, I would have hope that things would get better. I am happy to announce that, on day 4 of "L.A.C.I.O," she slept through the night. I am aware that this might be a fluke, since it's the first night she actually slept through, but I'm thankful nonetheless. I, on the other hand, have been up since 4:30 am. During this peaceful time when my baby was sleeping quietly, I was up every hour checking on her to make sure she was breathing. Apparently, the secret to getting Avery to sleep is letting her sleep on her stomach....with her face buried in the mattress. I've tried moving her face to the side, but to no avail. As soon as I let go, she'll move it right back. My pediatrician and nurse have assured me that, while panic-inducing for mommy, this is normal for baby and it's how Avery prefers to sleep. If she becomes too hot or can't breathe, she'll automatically move her face. I don't know if I believe it yet, so I'll probably still be up multiple times in the night checking on her. Baby steps people.....

In other news! I am on my way to fulfilling 3 of my "2012 Resolutions!" Yay, me!

1. Since I was up at 4:30, I was able to pack my lunch. This helps me check off 2 resolutions in one: lose weight and save money. No more McDonald's fries. No more $1 menu adding up to $15 a week.

{please don't judge my nasty sink....those are dishes from our corner cabinet that was cleaned out last night (post to come later)}

Doesn't it look yummy?! I'm actually looking forward to lunch today...something I normally dread. What's better than a balanced meal and a 3 Musketeer Truffle Crisp bar to reward myself?

2. I'm making dinner as we speak! How so? My Crock-Pot. A few days ago, I asked for some recipes for my long-neglected slow cooker and I was amazed at the responses and amazing recipes that followed. Last night, I cleared off some counter space and pulled out my Crock-Pot. Tonight, we'll be having Italian Chicken (thanks Ali Scott). It couldn't be easier...3 chicken breasts, bottle of Italian dressing, 6 hours. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Yay Crock Pots! Yay for resolutions! Yay for babies sleeping through the night!!! {if I could make that a thousand font in super bold, I totally would.} Happy Monday everyone!