It's been four months and it still hurts insanely bad. I cry some nights, thinking about how different things should be. I had to stop following one of my favorite blogs recently because she announced she was expecting.....and that's all her posts have been about. It's not that I'm not happy for people. I have a friend that recently told me she was expecting.....and I'm very genuinely thrilled for her. It's just hard not to feel jealousy mixed in with the happiness when I see infants or hear people talk about their pregnancies.
I've read a lot of blogs that have dealt with miscarriage and how to handle it. And most all of the writers talk about how they've found a way to deal with their loss. For awhile, I thought that my "outlet" would be a painting. But the more I thought about it, the more I was uncomfortable with the idea. How awkward would that be if someone walked into my home, noticed the painting and asked about it?? "Well, I had this miscarriage and I felt like I needed to paint something for it." Talk about a buzzkill. So I wanted something a little more personal....a little less noticeable. A little more "this is for me, not for the entire world to notice." That's when I thought about a bracelet.
First, I knew I wanted the date to be remembered. It may be an insignificant day to everyone else, but for me, it'll always be a day that I'll remember. Just like April 28th, my expected due date, will never just be "another day" to me. I know I'll forever look at the calendar on October 13th and April 28th and remember the significance. A date bracelet made sense. I didn't really love anything I was seeing on Etsy, until I found Brin and Bell.
Her bracelets are so dainty, so minimalist, SO perfect for what I was wanting. I contacted her with what I was hoping for and she was so sweet and accommodating and made EXACTLY what I was wanting. Thank you, so much Lindsey at Brin and Bell for being part of such a personal piece of jewelry.
I'm in love with it. It's exactly what I had imagined in my mind when I first decided on a bracelet.
Next, I want to add a bracelet with the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 on it. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" This verse, Marty and my momma were the only things that got me through those first few weeks. As much as my miscarriage hurt me, scarred me and left me feeling broken, I know that God's not done with me. A lot of days, it was helpful to put my name in. "I know the plans I have for you, Devan. Plans to give YOU hope and a future." He has a plan for me. He has a future mapped out. That future may not include another baby. It may include another miscarriage. Or it may include a healthy brother or sister for Avery. It's not my job to know.
All I know is, for now, I have a bracelet that helps me to remember and gives me comfort. It's kind of my own little way of "talking about it." Of having my own secret way to honor that baby and what he or she meant to me. And remembering that my story isn't over yet. God's still writing away on my pages.